Thoughts

Well, it is 2am Sunday morning.  I am so foolish for not going to bed earlier.  Why I didn’t, I don’t know.  I should have – Kate was fast asleep.  I decided to go to bed around 1am and just as I was falling asleep (around 1:30) guess who decided to wake up?  Yup, Kate.  Why?  I have no idea.  I also have no idea why she won’t go back to sleep and is crying in her crib.  Even if she were to stop crying now, I am wide awake.  WIDE awake.  So, I thought I would write about some things I have been feeling and thinking lately.

I know it is not a good thing to compare yourself to other people.  But I do.  I always have and I most likely always will.  I LOVE being a stay-at-home mom.  But sometimes, I feel like being at home all the time is making me dumber.  I feel like I used to be so much more articulate and like I had a much more expansive vocabulary than I do now.  At the moment, I feel like my vocabulary is pretty basic and it is really difficult for me to form my thoughts and present them in a cohesive sentence.  Not only that, but I feel like I have forgotten everything I learned in all my years of schooling.  I especially feel this way when I read my friends’ blogs.  One blog in particular.   Katie Jeter is amazingly articulate and super intelligent.  She is a mother.  I imagine she is a fantastic mother.  She is also an incredible photographer and someday I would love for her to take some pictures of Kate.  Maybe when James starts working and we have an income again??  Anyways, on top of all of that she is also in Law school.  Oh yeah and she still manages to find time to blog and make me envious with her enjoyable to read posts. 

Sometimes I think, “What the heck?  How in the world does she get all this done?  Where does she find the energy?”  I feel like I get hardly anything done with Kate.  I am doing good if I am showered by 11am.  I also feel like I am not doing anything to better myself.  What that might be, I don’t know.  But Katie sure is bettering herself in multiple ways.  So if she is doing it, why aren’t I?  And what is it that I can do to better myself?  What is it that I want to do?  Maybe I am just too lazy or maybe I don’t use my time wisely enough. 

I don’t know.  I know that eventually I would love to get back into running and training for halfs and fulls again.  I’d love to take a photography class so that I can learn a thing or two about taking a picture.  I’d love to learn how to sew – by hand and using a sewing machine.  I’d love to lean how to sing.  Okay, so I can sing (really, who can’t) but I want to learn how to actually carry a tune.  I’d love to learn how to play the piano.  I’d like to learn how to study the Gospel more in depth.  I feel like my understanding of the Gospel has plateaued and is so surface level.  I shy away from sharing the Gospel with friends because I fear that I may not be able to answer their questions. 

So now that I have an idea of some of the things I’d like to do, I just need to start doing some of them.  Maybe then I won’t feel so inadequate.  My new years resolution is to be able to mark some of these desires off of my list and while it isn’t the new year yet, I might as well begin now and get a head start.